I'm not just writing here...it's a copy from my personal Journal yesterday.

Why do they continue to lie to me? I caught them in another lie. How many times am I going to let them back in my life? Why don't I have any self-worth for myself. I'm so lonely and I love them so much it hurts me. Why do I let people lie to me? It's not OK, it's so unfair.

I was talking to a friend about starting over in my career. I hear, "Are you sure you want to do that? You have done that for like 20 years." I said, " Yes, maybe, I don't know."

The truth is I'm really depressed. I know what you say grows, but this cannot be ignored. I am seeing a light out of the tunnel by meditating. A topic for another time.

My love staring me straight in the eyes, changing stories, each time I draw out more information, like pulling teeth.

Then, I have the pain of my ex-love who broke my heart and our lives. They hurt me more than anyone in the world.

They cannot control themselves? I continue to question myself, the ultimate gaslighting experience. And yes, I know that word is getting old, writing it over and over for several years now.

I cannot even trust myself. Or can I? Maybe admitting this to myself is a step. No, I know it's a step. This is part of my process, it always has been.

All I know is this is exhausting.